Bismillah - Mature Muslim Matrimony

Setting Expectations from the Start

When starting off the journey of trying to find your ideal spouse it is crucial to set expectations from the start. Non-realistic or impractical expectations could mean never having the opportunity to find your perfect spouse or alternatively negatively affecting a relationship once you do. The question you must keep in mind when setting your expectations is “are you simply setting yourself up for inevitable disappointment”.

Mature Muslim have compiled some basic points (below) which we hope will help you in setting realistic expectations and also help you in managing and developing them during your search. Your expectations should never be set in stone, just as many things in life our expectations will also change, along with our age, experiences and perceptions. We pray that you find this article useful and that Allah swt blesses all those who are looking to get married with a pious partner who is the coolness of your eyes (& you are of theirs). Ameen.

Remove Barriers

Now more than ever we seem to be over critical of ourselves and each other. Putting up barriers is something which will ultimately affect our chances of finding a suitable spouse.

  • “I can’t marry her because she has children”;
  • “He can’t be the one because he has been divorced twice”;
  • “My future spouse must be financially secure”;
  • “He/She is too old”.

These are just some conditions we force upon ourselves. This is why we felt the Mature Muslim service was needed. MMM actively tried to be is different, we actively encourage divorcees, single parents and those over a certain age to be a part of our site and service.

Mature was set up because we decided that cultural obstacles placed by our communities and prevent marriage should be tackled and overcome. We felt that in this day and age mandating a specific caste, creed, culture, race should not be an absolute or outright requirement. Mature also truly want to help break community taboos which regrettably look down at people who are divorced, separated, with children and can accept them living alone for the rest of their lives rather than them find a compatible life partner and a chance of fulfilling their deen.

Please make dua that we are able to achieve this. Ameen.

Mr or Mrs Right

It’s completely normal to start your quest of finding the right person by having an ideal character/personality in mind. Visualizing an idealistic spouse mate will help motivate you to take the initiative and start your search. However it could mean that you probably will never find that ideal person due to the fact that they do not exist except in your own mind – that is.

  • This should never put you off from starting your search to get married, it was reported in Sahih Bukhari – Volume 7, Book 62, Number 4 : Narrated by ‘Abdullah

“We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Apostle said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty”

Limiting yourself and any potentials

Setting rigid and strict guidelines on the type of person you want to spend your life with will ultimately limit you and your options. We are not saying that you should not have any requirements whatsoever. We at Mature actively encourage all members to stay away from superficial criterion such as height, weight, eye colour, salary, caste, culture, tribe etc. The questions you have to ask are will this person be an excellent husband/wife and will he/she be a good parent to my/our children; will this person help me grow as a person and help me fulfil my religious rights and obligations.

Be focused on the end goal of finding someone for marriage who is compatible and someone you would spend the rest of your life with. Remember marriage is not something which is done, marriage is something which is made, it truly requires a lifetime of hard work, dedication and sacrifice by all parties to ensure it is a success.

No one is perfect and we all will need a nudge once in a while but ensuring that a prospective spouse should have a sound basic character and tawqa – everything else we believe can be built on.

Post Marriage Expectations

Once (in-sha-Allah) you have found your spouse and have tied the knot is it easy to sit back and relax and feel everything is now accomplished. This cannot be further than the truth. In reality the hard work begins after marriage. The setting and managing expectation journey starts all over again especially when the honeymoon period ends.

Both husband and wife should help each other in every facet in life and never set expectations for your spouse which you yourself would not adhere to. Try to be a good role model for each other and for your children.

Saying this we must remind all the brothers of their duty towards their spouse. Abu Hurairah (RA) related to us that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said:

Among Muslims they are more perfect in Faith who are perfect in morals, and, (in fact), the best of you are those who are best to their wives.” {Tirmidhi}

Asking the tough questions

Before marriage however one should also try to be upfront on the main points which would definitely be seen as an issue. We understand that all of these questions are difficult to ask but the responses could mean that expectations are set correctly which could lead to a long and healthy marriage. They will also help you plan and work through any conflicts and prevent them from taking over your marriage.

Please remember that at the end of the day that you are not dating, rather looking to make a lifelong commitment to someone. The more informed you are on your future spouse, the more you increase the chance of finding someone who will complete half your deen.

Ultimately it is best to remember that everything is in the hands of Allah (SWT) and that he is always aware of what we do. Allah (SWT) knows our actions online and offline and our intentions behind each and every action. If we are sincere then Allah (SWT) will bless you with a pious partner who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Please make dua that we are successful in achieving getting as many people as possible to fulfil half their deen & complete their family. Ameen

We hope you have found these tips useful and pray they guide you in your search for your future spouse. Please remember the Mature team in your du’as also. Thank you.

Leave a Reply